did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
and you fell through a lawn chair
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
