I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
