Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize