His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
