cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
