did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
