He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
