I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize