It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize