I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
