Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
