I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you will always have a special place in my vag
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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