i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
