Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
