There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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