I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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