Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
