i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
