you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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