The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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