i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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