I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
did you just send me my own nude
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
