I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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