apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
