I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
