And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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