watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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