I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
