Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
