Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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