My friends, they love my intelligence
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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