Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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