Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
