I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
