Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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