We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
