Your face is a jimmy john
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
