When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
