Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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