The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
