the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
