I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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