Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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