For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
