I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
