Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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