So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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