you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
