Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
