who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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