"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
