Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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