You can't motorboat a personality
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
