You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize