I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
