I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
