hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
