get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
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